Tag: Relationships

These days, unless you fancy meeting your soulmate in Tesco’s meal deal aisle, dating apps are basically the only way to find someone. Gone are the rom-com meet-cutes; welcome to the digital meat market!

Let’s be honest – the pickings aren’t exactly vintage. Between the endless selfies, vague bios, and cryptic first messages, it’s easy to get lost in the chaos that is online dating. You’ve got the “6ft tall” guy who’s actually 5’8” (and emotionally 4’11”), the ones who look suspiciously amphibian (sadly, a peck on the lips will not break the curse), and of course, the classic; people who are interested in just one thing, and it isn’t a long-term commitment.

So here we are…scrolling, swiping, sipping wine, and praying that the next person doesn’t ghost, overshare, or open with “Hey”.

Folks, welcome to modern dating; where red flags are everywhere and wine is the only coping strategy that makes sense.

🚩 How to Spot Red Flags on a Dating App

So, now that we’ve established the sad reality that most people on dating apps either have the personality of a brick wall, a face only a mother could love, or are laser-focused on one thing and one thing only…it’s time to talk ‘survival strategies’.

Enter: the red flag zone. Think of them as the corks on those questionable bottles of wine. Spot them early, and you save yourself the headache, the regret, and the awkward brunches explaining why you’re still single.

P.S. if there are any men reading this…take notes

Here are my Top 12 Dating Profile Red Flags to look out for:

1. The empty bio
   Either a catfish, a commitment-phobe, or someone who thinks ‘6ft tall’ is a personality trait. Spoiler…they are also NOT 6ft tall.
   
2. Too many group photos
   Why are you hiding, Joe? Am I dating you or your five gym bros? Cue the instant disappointment when you scroll to find he is the runt of the litter…
   
3. Pics with mostly girls
   Sir, this isn’t a scrapbook or a competition. These are not ‘green flag vibes’ because now I’m just wondering which one your ex is!
4. Overuse of the phrase “Looking for a vibe”
   Red flag. That “vibe” is code for “I’ll ghost you in 48 hours, or less.”
5. Weirdly negative or bitter prompts
   “Don’t swipe if you’re boring.” “Don’t swipe if you have an android.” “Don’t swipe if you drink gin”…Like, okay pal, first of all this screams emotional immaturity and second of all – therapy is that way ➡
6. The shirtless Gym Selfie
   If your first impression is six-pack central, chances are the personality is on backorder. You are going to want to dodge this one my love.
7. Bio full of clichés
   “I love adventures, laughter, and good vibes.” Translation: I literally have nothing interesting to say and most likely snort when I laugh.
8. Only mentions alcohol, parties, or drugs
   If their life summary is “drink, party, repeat,” the only commitment they’re after is the table in the local bar.
   
9. Obsession with their pet…to the point of WEIRD!
   Your dog is cute, we get it. But if the pet has its own dating profile, run. Also avoid any sign of “She’s a beauty…dog’s cute too”
10. Cryptic job or lifestyle descriptions
    “Entrepreneur”, “Owner”, or “Traveller of Souls” = either unemployed, in a pyramid scheme, or hiding something (probably everything).
11. Immediate talk of moving in, marriage or kids
    Red flag. If your first conversation is life goals at warp speed, slow down, partner – the wine isn’t even poured yet! Anyone who is in a rush is not deserving to be a crush.
12. They have a voicenote on their profile
    Voicenotes on a profile are basically pre-emptive icks. If I can’t even get past your mate gassing you up for 10 seconds, how am I supposed to get through a date? If I wanted recommendations, I’d check TripAdvisor. Bonus flag if it’s themselves talking about their ‘greatest strength’.

If you fancy a more in-detail read on some red flag tragedies, click here to read my blog on the most common dating fails!

🎯 Choosing the Right App for Your Dating Goals

We’ve talked ‘red flags’, now let’s talk about where to look for the green ones!

Of course, not all apps are created equal. Some are basically breeding grounds for the colour rouge, while others at least give you a fighting chance to meet someone who doesn’t list “living rent-free at my mum’s” as a personality trait.

Let’s be clear, whether you’re after a husband or just a harmless fling, both are completely valid…provided you’re on the right app. Think of it like wine; you wouldn’t pair a £4 corner shop rosé with a Michelin star meal, and you shouldn’t use the wrong app for the wrong goal.

Here’s your UK dating app cheat-sheet:

💋 Fling / One-Night Stand

• Tinder – The boxed wine of dating apps
  • Cheap, everywhere, and sometimes exactly what you need at 1 a.m. Great for a fling, a short-term distraction, or a quick ego boost. Not ideal for serious relationships or indeed marriage material. If you’re looking for a husband, I’d put this one back on the shelf.
• Grindr – Tequila shot energy
  • Fast, direct, and no-frills. Primarily for gay, bi, trans, and queer people, it’s fantastic for hookups and flings. Not ideal if you’re after a long-term relationship, but perfect if your goal is quick, clear fun.
• Happn – Spritz of prosecco:         
  • Serendipitous, local encounters – bubbly, light, and spontaneous. Great for flings or short-term fun, if you like a little chance encounter with your neighbour…or someone you crossed paths with at Pret. Again though, not the best for longer-term but you never know!

🔥 Short-Term / Casual Dating

• Bumble – Rosé in a can:       
  • Light, playful, slightly more intentional than Tinder. Somewhat empowering because women message first, but can mean a mixed bag of emotional availability. Good for short-term dating, weekend fun or potential long term depending on your mood!
• Hinge – Supermarket Malbec:   
  • Reliable and solid. Great if you want someone casual that could evolve into a “for a bit” situation. Make sure you select and display your ‘dating goals’ and you should (emphasis on should) find some like-minded matches!
• OkCupid – Quirky Pinot:                                    
  • Fun, brainy, and full of personality tests. Casual dating with a side of conversation (ish). However, I would stick to low expectations, maybe a try before you buy approach! There is limited awareness on this one and I fear it is for a reason.

💑 Long-Term / Boyfriend-for-a-Bit

• Hinge – UPGRADED Restaurant Malbec:
  • It markets itself as “the app designed to be deleted”, so in essence it should be long-term focused. It seems the most popular, if you can get past prompts like “Dating me is like…” (spoiler: it’s never funny). Good if you’re looking for a proper relationship, or at least someone who owns more than one pillow.
• Bumble – UPGRADED Rosé in a bottle:
  • So a bit more effort on this one can lead to more success in the long-term department. Key feature here is to be open about what you’re looking for. Think: if their bio is ‘here for a good time not a long time’ they are not for you. If it is more like ‘looking for my person’, drop them a cheeky pick up line and state your intent. No room for beating around the dating bush…just get in there girl!

💍 Marriage / Serious Commitment

• eHarmony – Full-bodied Cabernet Sauvignon:
  • Slow to sip but worth it. Compatibility quizzes are long and a little tedious, but if you’re marriage-minded, this one delivers depth, stability, and serious long-term potential. Paid service, so expect a more committed (and slightly older) crowd.
• Match.com – Classic Champagne:
  • The OG. Old-school, refined, and consistently reliable. Less chaotic than the younger apps, perfect if you want a sparkling, long-term relationship without the hangover of nonsense. Again, it’s only option is a subscription, and usually attracts a slightly older, more settled audience.

🌀 Adventure / Alternative Relationships

• Feeld – Organic Variety Wine:
  • Perfect for the adventurous. This is where people go when “vanilla” feels like a personal insult. Open-minded, poly-curious, situationships galore. Fantastic if your goal is exploration, less so if your mum’s already asking when she’s getting grandkids and certainly not one for discussion at the sunday roast.
    

🍷 Sip, Swipe, Repeat

So there you have it, a full rundown of red flags and dating app varieties, from fizzing flings to full-bodied forever options. Whether you’re dodging the “just here for the vibes” crew or swiping with serious intentions, the main takeaway is simple: know what you want, pick the right app, and never settle for cheap wine… or bad dates.

Remember, don’t listen to your Nan…being single is not a disgrace upon your family! Everything happens in good time and the right fling, relationship, or “let’s see where this goes” situation will come along. And until they arrive? There’s always a good glass of wine, a cosy sofa, and maybe a cheeky scroll through the next app where someone will definitely have a weird bio and some cringey captions. 

On that note…

 🍷Today’s Wine Pairing is…

A good ol’ Cava – festive, bubbly, and hopeful. Because even with red flags everywhere, there’s always a little sparkle left for love…or at least a cheeky swipe.

CHEERS to laughing through the tears and doing it for the plot!

Until next time…

H x

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